TGIF!!

Yay for Friday! Since it was a pretty long day, I'll only write about the highlights:

-received a note before school from one student who I thought was indifferent toward me; she thanked me for being a great teacher. It's like they know I'm disheartened and are trying to help.

-had the kids working HARD in the afternoon for some earned free time; it worked well!

-the principal (again) popped her head in when I was doing a decent Social Studies lesson. Again, she smiled (in approval?) and walked on.

-I learned that three more staff members are on anti-depressants. This includes our school guidance counselor; go figure. I told one woman that I recently got on anti-depressants, and she said, "Welcome to the club! Which one are you on?" I was really surprised that so many teachers (here, at least) are on meds.

-one student and her sister came in after school (they're in here as I type) and helped me move desks, sort papers, and clean up the room. Awesome. One just fell in the garbage can. Ha.

Now I just have to plan out next week (I've been slacking), which should be easy, since I'll only be here 3 days next week (2 field trips)!!! Anyway, me voy (I'm going). Peace.

Yay, almost Friday!!

So today was OK. I didn't particularly feel like coming in this morning, but it turned out all right.

I received possibly my favorite picture ever drawn by a student... one girl took it upon herself to elaborately draw a space scene. She presented it to me and very matter-of-factly pointed to each of the three regions and said, "This is heaven [the top part of the paper, blue and cheery], this is heck [bottom third of the paper, complete with an angry devil], and this is space [black space scene with Earth and the planets perfectly lined up in front of the sun]." It was awesome. So awesome, in fact, that I should probably scan it and put it on here.

Here it is!!! >>

Anyway, my mentor is finishing up a program to become a principal. Thus, we have a symbiotic relationship in that she helps me IMMENSELY and I give her supervision/evaluation hours. One of her classes had her develop two goals with the "cooperating teacher" (me). Her two goals are 1.) to prepare student-led conferences and 2.) to develop my classroom management. Well, these conferences are NOT an easy thing to organize!! We have to invite the parents, find out what time works for everyone, have student portfolios, writing samples, etc. It's a WHOLE big production that will take the better portion of two half-days. That was a bit overwhelming, but it should be OK.

I digress... this morning was good, once I got into the groove. We got a LOT of work done, and the students were mostly cooperative. After lunch, it was time to check out the school's week-long book fair! I lined the class up and we got ready to go. We're right across the hall from the school library, so I poked my head in to see if the librarian was ready for us to come in. She wasn't; another class was in there, so we needed 5 more minutes. Since my class was already lined up, I took them around the building, outside, around the playground, and on a big tour of the school campus. They were actually awesome during the whole thing, and earned themselves a hefty amount of free time! They were also great at the book fair, so that was cool.

After book fair stuff, we began a science lesson on the water cycle (to be taught twice in succession, due to the class switching for band twice). Thanks to a recent Project WET seminar I attended, I had a great idea of how to intro the lesson. I lined the students up in one long row, standing up. I explained that they were to do as I did ONLY when I looked at them. Otherwise, they had to keep doing what they were doing. We started by rubbing our hands together (as I walked down the line, each student rubbed their hands). Then, I went back to the start of the line, and we started snapping our fingers. Then, it was clapping sporadically, then patting our thighs, then stomping, then back down to patting, clapping, snapping, and rubbing hands together. At the end, I asked the students what they heard. "A rainstorm!" some of them had exclaimed. Indeed, we had created a rainstorm. And when the groups switched, we got to do it again. Very cool. They then listened to a story about a water molecule's journey through the cycle, and created comics about where the molecules went and where they came from. All in all, a rather successful lesoon for once!

Finally, I think I'm out of the "new teachers" loop. The lower (1-3) and upper (4-6) grades are in separate buildings, so I don't see the other 3 gals for most of the day. Two are next door to each other, and the other is just down the hall from them. After school, we all used to hang out in one room. I think I've slowly been phased out, solely by locus. It's OK, though; I've been getting to know the "vets" a lot better, who have been insanely helpful.

Ok, that's it for now; time to go home!!

Briefly...

Today: LOTS of things going on:

-behavior with one student ultimately ended in having to call the police because the student ran away

-had a 1.5 hour meeting (during time I should've been in class!) regarding one of my students who got kicked out for behavior... seems he'll be back for part of the day next week. It was my first real "team" phone conference (we had the resource teacher, the self-contained teacher, the psychologist, my mentor, the principal, and me; the student's grandmother joined us via speakerphone). It was an experience, especially since I was said to be the "pivotal" person in this whole placement process. Eek.

-lots of anger in the classroom, since I now hold students more accountable for their homework and classwork. Lots of misdirected anger, I should say; they're mad at me, not themselves.

-anti-depressants are already making me feel detached... I felt kind of spacy all afternoon, though I didn't feel like crying at all.

That's it for now. Time to drive for 1.5 hours to get to my first massage therapy class! (I'm taking a 6-week course to see if massage therapy might be another career I could explore.) Ciao.

Some food for thought...

So, as I may or may not have mentioned, a significant number of teachers (at least in arizona schools, from what i've heard) are on some form of anti-depressant medication. Guess what? I'm now one of them.

...

"What?!" you might think, shaking your head. But I'll come right out with it: I've joined the apparent swarm of teachers to use happy pills to get through their day. Heh, this may now become a school/Lexapro blog. :P I went on Lexapro due to a.) the incessant nagging of my mother (whom I trust a great deal), b.) the constant misery EVERY day, and it was either this or quitting on the spot, and c.) the fact that I can stop taking them at any time. Talking to other teachers about it, almost ALL of the veterans have been (or are still on) anti-depressants. Yes, folks, education is that bad these days. Write to your legislatures.

Anyway, I felt OK today. (How fast do these things work?!, I'd wondered to myself.) The morning was actually, um, good. My mentor wasn't in (she had a gazillion meetings), but I'd requested that another teacher observe my math lesson and give me pointers. (Though I thought the lesson had gone about as well as it could have, the teacher begged to differ. Before, her constructive criticism may have sent me into tears; now, I simply took her advice, and changed my strategies in the afternoon.) The kids were respectful, polite, and worked with me all morning.

After recess was difficult; even though I was reading to the class, some students still couldn't just sit there and draw and/or listen. Even with the lights out. I don't know what it is... so we went into vocab, and that was pretty smooth. Then, a quick game of silent ball with the class (to help get excess energy out for a few minutes in a calm manner), and off to art they went! I had 5 who were not able to go to art this week because of their behavior in art last week. They, I decided on the spot, needed to complete a one-page essay about 1.) what they did that caused them to miss art this week, 2.) what they can do next time so they don't get kicked out of art, 3.) what they do like about art, and 4.) what they don't like about art. All well and good, right? Wrong. When art was over, I picked up my 5 misbehaviors and found that one student had written "I'm stupid, I'm an idiot, I am a moron, the world sucks" all over the back of her paper. Awesome. When I get home, I have to talk to her parents. And the worst thing is, she's one of my best students when she's not freaking out. Ugh. She's already seeing the counselor, and I talk to her whenever I can about her behavior, so I'm trying to think of what else I can do.

After art was rough. ALL we had to do was a brief math review, then study hall, then recess, then home. That's it. The review took forever, and everyone was frustrated: "This is too easy; I'm bored!" or "I just don't get it!" Eventually, I had the higher students work with the lower students, but this caused frustration, too!! The students who understood the material either told the other student the answer, or got upset when the one in need of help still didn't "get it." Oy. During study hall, I had about 6 kids in my face constantly: "Can I go to the bathroom?"
"Blahblahblah wrote on my arm!"
"I don't geeeet iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!"
"Can I sharpen my pencil?"

Oy!! I've taught them sign language for "bathroom" and "pencil" and "water" a million times, and they still ask verbally. Hmph. I also had a student who became FURIOUS because I "ignored" her. Um, darling, I have six students in my face; I'll get to you. Patience, children, patience. ... Patience, self, patience...

However, since the meds kicked in (around 9 this morning???), I haven't cried or felt like crying. Though I still don't feel this is my field, I'm feeling more confident that I can make it at least until December.

Also, high point of the day: we were doing our daily stretching before math, and I was going through quite a few of them. (We can stretch up to 5 minutes, as long as the class doesn't talk.) I was running out of ideas, so I did the "pat your head, rub your stomach" thing. I got it going, and soon I was staring at a sea of children ALL doing that. It was hilarious. I actually laughed out loud. The students looked around, and a few of them chuckled, too. It was a great moment.

On that note, I shall go, while I still feel good. Peace.

The Beginning of the End?

So I become more and more convinced every day that this isn't for me. I know I've only been on the job for 6 weeks, but I feel in my gut and my heart and my head that this is not the right career for me.

I spent a lot of the weekend dreading Monday, crying a lot, venting to friends and family, and just generally being miserable. Tonight, I had a friend help me grade tests for an hour and a half, and then I cried a lot more. Bleh. My mother is convinced I should be on anti-anxiety and/or anti-depressant medication. Though I beg to differ, I haven't entirely ruled that out yet. :(

I was SO CLOSE to going in tomorrow (Monday) to just quit... to just go into the Principal's office, throw my hands up in the air, and say, "I'm done." However, she and the superintendent have been kind in offering me an out in December. I'm trying my best to make it until then, I really am, but it's hard waking up every day and being miserable... especially when you're miserable because you're working the job you've dreamed of doing for most of your life. It sucks.

Anyway, I called in sick tomorrow, so I'm at school, having just finished writing up my detailed sub plans. I feel better now, and I'm trying SO HARD to stick this out until December... we'll see. I thought I was stronger than this, but I'm just completely overwhelmed and burned out already. I'll probably become another of the hordes of people to end up quitting within the first 5 years (heck, the first 5 months!). So that's that.

For now, I go home and try not to think about school. Hopefully, I'll be back in action and ready to go on Tuesday. I sure hope so!

Sweet, sweet Friday

So it's here: Friday, my beloved. I have almost all of next week planned out already (a HUGE relief!), so that I may attend a friend's b-day festivities in another city! :)

Today was OK... The morning was library/computers (where I ran around like CRAZY; we don't have "prep periods;" we have "running time!"), then a gazillion tests. Honestly, right now, I like giving the kids a lot of tests on Fridays. It is a quiet time of actual concentration, and it lets me know what they do and do not know. Today we had: spelling (two kinds), grammar (pre-test), vocab (which I created), and math (which I also created). Funfun. To offset the crazy amount of testing, I gave them a 15-minute snack/break time in between the language and math tests.

The afternoon was hectic, as usual. After lunch was fine; I read to them. This time, they not only drew, but also wrote down all the names of the characters they heard as well as the setting. We'll get there somehow. (To where, you ask? Well, I'm not sure myself just yet.) Halfway through the read-aloud, the counselor and his intern came in to observe for half an hour. We then went into Social Studies, which took a long time to get to because of talking and off-task behavior. At the end, the counselor approached me.

"While we weren't doing an observation on you," he'd started, "I did jot down a few notes about your teaching style."

Uh oh, I thought. Here it comes: 'You need to be more firm, more in control. You need to do different kinds of instruction other than just standing at the front of the room. The kids have no discipline in here!'

Instead, he handed me a handwritten evaluation. It reads:

"1. Class tone-------------------excellent
2. Management---------------------" "
Ignoring bad behavior-------------" "
Rewarding good behavior -----very good
3. Clarity of directions -----------excellent"

So that was nice. I wonder if there are rumors going around about my impending burn-out. It seems like it; I've gotten more compliments and offers for help this week than ever before. It is nice knowing we have a good staff here. Don't get me wrong: I enjoy the staff and the students. It's just the actual teaching I don't like. We'll see.

During the afternoons, as I've mentioned before, half the class goes to band, and then they switch (half come back and half more go). It's a chaotic time, especially the transition, but today it was OK. The first group is my more mature, hard-working students, so it's nice. The second group is bigger, louder, and generally the poorer students. I had to help maybe two or three students a few times during the first group today in Social Studies. During the second group's Social Studies time, I was running around the ENTIRE time helping students out. It was crazy! They just don't get it! They don't listen, they don't understand the directions, they don't read the questions... it's unnerving.

The end of the day on Friday is always nice; they usually choose to use the Earned Free Time (EFT) they get during the week as extra recess. Today they chose to tack it onto their afternoon recess, so the last half hour of the day was spent outside. Very relaxing. And now I have a system: those who are incapable of cooperating/working in the class during the week simply have their EFT privileges revoked. Yay.

After school, we had yet ANOTHER meeting about our 301 money. Yipee. There was actually a good proposal made by a teacher, though, so that was nice. After the meeting, one of the third grade teachers sat down to offer me any help or resources I may need. However, I hear through the ENORMOUS grapevine that this guy needs to be babysat himself sometimes (due to incompetence??), so I'm not sure if I should take advice from him. It's also funny; we hadn't really talked before this week, and all of a sudden this guy (and several other staff members) are particularly helpful. I'm sure I'm being talked about now.

Anyway, I've got my bag o' stuff to take home with me, and I'm out for the weekend! Peace.

Hate mail.

So I got my first nasty letter from a parent today. To preface: yesterday, my mentor and I decided to give the students who did not get their homework done a behavior plan. A behavior plan, in my room, is what the students fill out when they break a rule consistently. It asks them what rule they broke, why, how they feel about their decision to break it, and what they can do in the future. Since rules #2 and #3 are Be prepared and Be productive, it follows that not doing homework violates both.

Anyway, I had an angry mother (whose daughters are both in my class for some reason) write me the following (in its original format for emphasis):

“We need to talk I donot [sic] agree with this written nottice [sic]!!
[initials]
This is uncalled for and I will complain to school if school dont [sic] take action I will remove both children from school! They did their work a sub put the pages on board you are telling them they didn’t do it and they did you could have at least praised my children for trying a simple mistake dont deserve this kind of action I have a grade school average of 9th grade if I don’t know how to do home work you should at least sit down with my children and show them that is your job!! but my children say that you wont [sic] show them again correctly and you make them figure it out by themselves. Well your [sic] getting paid to teach my children if they need to be told again well I think they should- I am very unhappy with your performance as a teacher I dont [sic] know if it’s miscommunication or what but I’m very unhappy Patricia was honor Roll last year because her teacher took time with her she was doing so good until now!!”

Joy. I guess this mother also called the school office today, asking to talk about “that bitch” who teaches her daughters. Mmmm, I feel the love. Since I know I’m not really in the wrong here, I’ll just leave the letter undisputed above. Bleh. After reading the letter this morning, I was considering just walking out the door and saying, “Screw this.” I mean, really, I’m doing ALL I can, and I still am seen as incompetent and evil. Heh.

I had a decent morning with the class, actually; they were great. Maybe it’s because I had two of the worst boys kicked out for the time being. This afternoon was off to a good start, but it all came crashing down during a quiz-show-style game for a review of our math test tomorrow. I warned the class that if it got too out of control, we’d switch to bookwork. I gave them two chances (and warnings!), and we still ended up with bookwork and no recess. Bummer, guys. Two girls put their heads down and cried for 20 minutes. I love my job.

Finally, the day ended with one girl having a lighter confiscated from her backpack (she’s in fourth grade!). I guess someone was playing with a lighter in the girls’ bathroom during recess, and it was one of my students. Awesome. Another girl (who had her head down once we switched to bookwork) started tearing up paper. Soon, she had a sharp rock from the playground and was slicing through the pages in her book. Sweet. I also managed to piss off one daughter of the woman who wrote the aforementioned letter, all because the girl wouldn’t do her work. Best day ever?

Right now, I’m seriously ready to never come back. Last night, I wondered what would happen if I just stayed at home, comatose on the couch for a few days. I’m sure people would frantically call or stop by, and then they’d have to find a sub for me to take over, then they’d have to hire a teacher. I’d probably be either jailed or just have my certification revoked. Either of those sounds better to me than going to school at this point. :P One of the ONLY ways I was able to get through today was by keeping in mind that the superintendent pretty much told me I can leave in December without too much hassle. A lot of other teachers/staff are still telling me that they’ve been there, that they’ve felt this way. While I don’t doubt that, I do doubt that this is for me. It seems to be for them, but this is an extremely challenging profession for which all people are not made. I don’t know if I’m a non-teacher or teacher at heart, but these next few months will tell me for sure. I just don’t want the students (and their parents!) to have to deal with a teacher who despises being in school every day. That’s not fair to anyone.

Finally, I’ll end on a good note. I think I did two good instructional things today… 1.) The class really struggles with organization in their writing, so I had the students web (brainstorm) what their lives would be like if they lived underwater. Then, I had them put their web on a transparency, and I shared the webs with the whole class. With each web, we determined topics for 3 body paragraphs to help them organize their ideas. Tomorrow, we’ll try the brainstorm to draft process. 2.) After lunch, I read to the class as usual. However, today I had them each draw along with the story. That is, they each got a piece of paper on which to draw anything from the story. I was really impressed by their work! I think it’s a good, quick check on comprehension, and it mixes things up a bit for all of us. After reading the chapter, I had volunteers show their pictures with the class. Everyone was impressed and interested; it was my first true “teaching moment” all week. It felt good. Presently, I leave you to copy tomorrow’s spelling, math, and vocab tests. Peace.

My teaching philosophy

... is that it SUCKS right now. The first half of the day, I felt sick. I mean, physically sick. I did NOT want to be here. I didn't want to do my lessons, I cried twice before I even saw my class (usually a no-no in my book), and my teaching mentor stressed me further (inadvertently) by suggesting more things I could be doing right now. AAAAAHHH!!!!

I talked with my principal this morning, who also seems incredibly stressed out. I told her I don't know if I can teach, if I want to teach, and I reassured her that it's not the district. I mean, really, it's not. I keep hearing what a difficult district this is, but that's what I'd wanted: a low-income place where I really felt needed. Here we are, and it sucks. Ugh. I have staff support, I even have a few really good parents, but I just don't like the job right now.

Anyway, the morning was OK once my mentor co-taught with me for an hour. By lunch, I was mostly OK. The afternoon was crappy, but it's over, and I survived the day.

After school, we had a meeting that wasted an hour and a half of my life. We were talking about how to get our 301 money (Proposition 301 is supposed to give teachers/staff extra money, sometimes based on performance). Since I've heard we have to jump through about 8 billion hoops to get the money, I couldn't really have cared less. I just wanted to go home. Now, it's after 6, and I'm STILL here because of that stupid meeting. There was an upside, however: I got to write an ode to my career. Here it is:


O, Teaching, the bane of my existence, how I loathe thee.
Though I'd oft prepared for this career, I now wish I'd been a
money-hungry,
selfish,
uncaring
individual who didn't want to touch children's lives.

To the following, I do give thee my middle finger:
learning objectives, administration, ability grouping, grants,
parents, responsibility, truancy, performance-based standards,
differentiation, 301, certification, goals, expectations, attendance, salary,
criteria, highly-qualified, funding, clasroom management, testing, achievement, meetings,
professional development, curricula, student engagement, endorsements, contracts,
attention span, inclusion, integrating subjects, thematic units, retention,
grades, documentation, behavior, accountability, discipline

I also do flick off the following acronyms: ELL, SEI, IEP, NCLB, AIMS, AYP.

Thank you, education,
for showing me that
being nice and being a good teacher
DON'T mix
(at least not in the first year).

-

Finally, I'll end this little rant on a somewhat amusing note. Last week at the school board (bored) meeting, the 4 new, young elementary teachers (myself included) walked in together. I pictured our entrance like a broadway musical: everyone else was sitting in chairs in rows; we strutted up the aisles as foxy, young dancers: the new teachers! We had a song and choreography and matching sequened costumes and everything! We got up on the large table dedicated to the board, and we did a top-hat-and-cane number before sitting down to wild applause.

Today, at the ever-dry 301 meeting, I had a similar fantasy. However, this time, it was ALL of the teachers, even the veterans. This time, we were chanting, "Money sucks, we're getting screwed over," and we were pounding our fists. It crescendoed into people standing, yelling (in unison and harmonizing, of course) that things need to change. Half the people got on the tables, and the other half stayed on the floor. We then did an intricate series of flips and stomping/clapping routines. It was intense. At the end, we all simply sat in our seats without saying another word. The meeting continued as normal.

Oh, my head. Silly, crazy, stressed-out head. Right now, my goal is to make it to December. I figure I can safely leave the field by then. Anyway, time to make copies and go home.

Sink or swim.

I feel like I'm sinking fast. (It took ALL I had to not break down and cry in front of my class today. In fact, I cried at lunch, during the class specials, and after school, but not when the class was there.) It's only 6 weeks in, and I feel ready to quit. I'm feeling like this whole elementary education career choice was a bad idea, inspired by ignorance.

However, there is hope: I talked with both my mentor teacher person and the superintendant for over an hour tonight in my classroom. Seems some changes will be made (soon, hopefully!) to help out. One of these changes will be moving 2 or 3 of my worst kids elsewhere. This may or may not happen, and I can't say I don't feel a certain degree of guilt, but it would help immensely.

I asked several people what would happen if I quit before my contract is up. One said simply, "Don't do it; they'll make it miserable for you." Another: "Oh, honey, you need to get out NOW if this isn't for you. No sense in making yourself suffer so much." The superindenant tried to be comforting, saying I was the "creme de la creme" of his pool of applicants this past spring. Ego boosts aside, he said it would be difficult to get out of a contract, but that he wouldn't give me too much of a hassle. It seems the district could hire a replacement at midterm (December/January), when students graduate from other programs. We'll see.

I honestly don't know if I'll make it at this point. It's not even the district; it's the educational system in general. It's the paperwork, the phone calls, the constant planning, teaching from state standards, preparing for high-stakes testing, dealing with daily classroom drama, little "extras" (recess duty, after- and before-school meetings), etc. I just don't know if this is for me. The other new teachers said they want to leave the district at the end of the year, but not one of them is questioning the field itself. Just me. I'm the one who can't hack it. And despite the words of encouragement (of which there are surprisingly many), I don't know if I want to hack it. Sure, I want to change the world for the better, but maybe this isn't how I'm supposed to.

I've been feeling this way for weeks now (in case you haven't noticed), so I'll get off it. In the meantime, we have our first field trips coming up in 2 weeks. Those should hopefully be fun.

Finally, for your reading pleasure, I have found an article that perfectly defines what I've found in teaching so far. I'm somewhere between the "survival" and "disillusionment" phases; we'll see if I get any farther. It'd be nice to see this day's blog months down the road and laugh at what a doof I was. All I can say right now is: vamos a ver (we'll see).

Ahh... almost Friday!!!

So today was interesting. In the morning, feeling quite down, I told the class that I wasn't feeling good. They asked what was wrong. I lied: "I'm getting sick," I had responded. The truth was that I just didn't want to be here.

On the upside, the class had a good day with the sub yesterday (!!). That makes me very happy. I even called the school during lunch yesterday to see how the class was; I was paranoid. They were good, so they earned another day towards a PARTY!! (They have 3 of the required 20 days... at this rate, we won't have a party until March!) I realized yet again that I actually like my class. Definitely makes things nicer.

One of "the usual suspects" gave me an exceptionally hard time today. He was yelling, throwing things, out of his seat, talking constantly, etc. ALL day. I sent him with his work to the library for 30 minutes. It was- no kidding- the best 30 minutes of the day. After school, my assistant/mentor and I talked about him. He's already on an IEP, but we agreed that he needs to be reevaluated for a behavior plan. My mentor believes he should be in a self-contained classroom, not mine. Yay! He also just had his meds changed, so it'll take a few weeks to see how they work.

Of note today: was checking my school mailbox at the end of the day, and there were 2 posters on the school's front doors. The posters had the smiling faces of 2 sex offenders living in the nearby area. TWO. One guy, only 18 years old, is a Level 2 (moderate threat) offender; the other, 58, is a Level 3 (severe/immediate threat). The Level 3 lives about 10 minutes from my house. Awesome.

Finally, we have a school board meeting tonight that the new teachers are required to attend. I've learned that the reasons are part political, part publicity-related. Joy. Fortunately, the meeting's essentially across the street from my house. The other newbies and I are going to go out to eat first, which is... now! So off I go to forget the craziness of school! Yay for almost-Fridays!!

Ahhh... the day's over!

Quick recap of the day:

-before school: The father who came in after school yesterday was here again. He asked me if he could subpoena me. Um, I thought that wasn't something you asked about, but more something you had ordered. I was told by several staff members to do nothing further unless I receive a subpoena. Yay! My first month of teaching, and I may already have to go to court! At least I'm in the NEA/AEA (teacher organizations) now, so my legal behind is covered.

-during school: Nothing too crazy today. Lots of time off task, but I think I dealt with it well. Not too awful of a day, not a great day; it was just a day. At the end of the day, though, I had one of my shutter-downers shut down again. He did the whole thing: head down, nonresponsive, etc. VERY annoying. After school, it took 3 staff members (including myself) to get him out of his chair and to Boys/Girls Club. Bleh!! I spoke with the bloke's mother, who may take him off the football team if he doesn't shape up. I also talked to another staff member who offered to help, but when I told her the situation, she had nothing left to offer. Heh. I mean, what do you do for a kid who won't do anything? I have yet to figure that out.

-after school: Spent 1.5 hours writing and developing my substitute lesson plans. (I'm going to a workshop tomorrow, so I have my first sub for the class!! Eek!) I then spent another 1.5 hours entering progress report grades (they need to be accurate, in case a parent questions the grade). Funfunfun.

-That's it for now. It's almost 7:30, and there's a DVD and food calling my name!! I'm very nervous about how the class will be and how the sub will do with my plans... We'll find out soon! Until then, I get a pseudo day off!

Riiiiight...

Monday, briefly:

-didn't even want to come in today, but had no sub plans, and I already have to be gone Wednesday for a workshop

-didn't cry all day (!!)

-no fights today (!!)

-got through our entire schedule (!!)

-assigned my first after-school detention today... that's right, kids, I'm cracking down.

-found out that progress report grades are due tomorrow... eek.

-had a parent come in after school today, telling me that his ex-wife took his daughter (she's been absent over a week now) and moved to Phoenix without telling him. During our 35-minute chat, I learned that I am, in fact, in The Twilight Zone. Oy. The people here either are compulsive liars, or have been through a LOT more than anyone ever should. I mean the children, too.

Tomorrow should be easy: 2 specials, reading buddies, and a LOT of stuff to cover. It's so strange: lately, I've want to quit in the mornings, and at the end of the day, I feel like I can make it through tomorrow. That, or the opposite (the mornings are OK, then I want to quit in the afternoon).

My solace: I'm not in a boring, mind-numbing profession. I'm trying to help people daily, and to increase the quality of our children's education. I am not idle or bored in this work. Furthermore, talking to some of the parents, teachers, and counselors, I've realized that life could be a lot worse. (Perhaps I'll do social work if this doesn't work out??)

Anyway, that's it for now. Time to go home and prepare grades. Joy.

How am I still alive?!

Bleh. I must get out of here soon (to deposit paycheck- yay!!), so I'll keep it brief. In a nutshell, today SUCKED. Really. Here are some "highlights":

1.) First thing in the morning, before school even started, I was talking to my assistant/mentor in my classroom. All of a sudden, we heard loud screaming in the hallway. Yeah, one of my students got punched in the side of the head. Awesome. That was how today started. From there, it was downhill...

2.) My usual defiant guy was back in action today. Before an hour into the day, he'd already earned a lunch detention. By lunch, he had gotten his spelling test taken away from him because of talking. I had to oust him from the classroom for being so disruptive.

3.) Another boy got his test taken away for talking also. As is usual for him, he shut down. He was seethingly angry for almost 2 hours, and when I talked to him, he put his hands over his ears. Thank God my assistant was nearby... During lunch (when the student stayed in the classroom, causing me to need to stay there for liability), he would not move. Eventually, my assistant/mentor (what do I call her?!) came in and talked to him. She calmly gave him the option of going to serve his lunch detention (which he had earned) or to talk to his parents and the principal. Angrily, he chose lunch detention. By the end of the day, he and another student got into a fight where they were hitting each other.

4.) Two of my male students were caught flooding the bathroom right after lunch. The principal, guidance counselor, special ed teacher, AND another aide were peeling my boys off the floor when I walked by. One was screaming hysterically; the other resisted little. Awesome.

5.) Toward the end of the day, the class sat with their heads down. It was supposed to be for 10 minutes, but each time they talked, we startd back at 10 minutes. Thirty minutes finally went by before we were able to move on. Bleh.

The day was just freakishly bad. The guidance counselor later remarked, "It feels like the last day of school already." I hear that.

After school, I talked with some staff members who were understanding, so that helped a great deal. Also, two women (including my mentor) came into my room, and told me about their days. Seems it *can* be worse than what I've got going on here. Man. Reminds me of the time when I worked in the group home. Geez. I'll be happy if I (physcially, mentally, and emotionally) survive the year. That's all I'm really hoping for at this point. Adieu. I'm off to put my HARD-EARNED money into a near-empty bank account.

Ahhh... Thursdays.

So it would seem that either I'm viewing things differently, OR this is getting a tad bit easier. Though I still have to constantly quiet the class (which, of course, is annoying), it's getting better. I'm not as upset anymore, and the class now seems to understand that if they're wasting time by talking, they are the ones who ultimately pay the price with extra homework and lost free time. It's helping.

I forgot to mention the awesomeness of yesterday: I had one kid run out of the classroom (I was informed on the first day of school that he sometimes runs away), and I had another who sat in the hallyway for half the day because he was so frustrated. (He put himself out there, and neither I nor his former teacher could get him to move.) Today, I had yet ANOTHER student just fail to cope and put his head down for 45 minutes. What is UP with these boys just shutting down? I have 4 in my class right now who either freak out, cry, run out of the room, or just don't respond to me when they're stressed. It's very frustrating. I did, however, talk with each of them individually during the day, so hopefully that'll help even a little. My "runner" is one of the sweetest kids in the class; he said he was just annoyed with the girl sitting next to him. Hmm... might there be better ways to deal with that than running, dear friend?

Anyway, today was pretty good overall. We had a LOT to get done, and we actually got through our schedule (that's a first!!). One kid who is usually disruptive (but who I still like and think to be very intelligent) got observed today to see if he needs special services. The woman who observed him sat in the back of the room, near another student. The boy she was actually observing didn't know, I think, that he was the one she was watching. (I'm assuming this was her plan.) For some reason, though, her presence made him act up even more! He has a GIANT pencil, and he was playing with it. I asked him a question, and he gestured toward the board with the pencil, which sent the eraser winging at my head. Awesome. I just moved and calmly told him to pick it up. I took his pencil, and that was that. The observer wrote this down frantically. By the time she left (after maybe 20 minutes), she had several pages written.

Today in math, we began decimals, fractions, and their place values. Joy. These kids don't even understand REGULAR place value (ones, tens, hundreds, etc.), so today was a blast. Not. I think, though, that once we did enough examples, most of them got it. Their homework tomorrow will tell for sure.

We also had our "reading buddies," where we pair with one of the first grade classes. At one point, the first grade teacher had to go to the bathroom, so she left me to the combination. It soon dawned on me that I was the only adult in a room full of 40 kids. Eek. However, it was fine, and I returned the favor by going to the bathroom when she came back!

Also, it occurred to me today: I like my class. I like the students. Sometimes they're little buttheads, but I like them. There isn't one kid in my class (even the disruptive, rude ones) who I don't like. This was a wonderful feeling. I have to keep reminding myself to separate behavior from person. This is much harder for me to do for adults, but with children, it's pretty simple. I realize that, at this point in their life, they are pretty much just mini versions of their parents, starting to come into their own. It's a cool age, really.

Finally, the day wrapped up nicely. When the class finished their relatively quiet independent study time (!), I gave them extra recess at the very end of the day. They packed up their stuff, stacked their chairs, and cleaned up the floor. We went outside for 18 minutes until school was over. When the busses were announced, I blew my whistle. I had instructed the class (prior to that) to line up in their normal spot. They did it!! It was such a nice way to end the day that I might just make it routine. Score. After school, one of my students (her 3 brothers and sisters in tow) brought in her pet... pig. He's cute, but it was so weird! Again, where am I?

Hokay, I'm leaving again before dark!! Woo hoo! Fridays are usually hectic, so my goal is to have it as calm as possible. Regardless of how the days are, though, they always go so fast! OK, I'm really leaving!

Ay, que dia...

So today (as I had predicted) was somewhat of a disaster. First thing in the morning, the class split up for their computer/library time. They were barely all in the door when I had to usher them back out! During library/computer, I had a TON of things to do. I miraculously got them done, then had to pick up both halves of the class 30 minutes later for school pictures.

Um, for those of you who haven't witnessed the sheer joy of taking a class picture with 27 LOUD children, let me tell you how it went for me (and all the other new teachers)... We had to line the kids up by height, tallest to shortest. Height suddenly became a measure of the mettle one had. When I would move the kids around, the taller person would always cheer or say, "All right!" or something, as if height is a personality trait. Go figure. This grueling lining up process took waaaay longer than it should've: 10 minutes!! Ridiculous! Then I had to refocus them and get them quiet so we could go in the gym. During this time, they lost SEVEN earned free time minutes. Seven! That's a record for us.

Once we were in the gym, this artsy young photography dude attempted to get my class into 4 rows on the bleachers. Ha! He thought it'd be easy. Within seconds, he was yelling at them. Welcome to my world, dude. (The reason I'm using "dude" right now is because the guy himself called all my boys "dude" when addressing them. How professional.)

Anyway, we finally got the picture itself taken. Then came individual pictures, where the kids waited in line and I filled out the names of the kids in the picture in order. Nightmare! You'd think it'd be simple to do this, but no. "Ms. Anderson, Johnny*'s been punching Chase* and Steve* called me short!!" or "Ms. Anderson, the boys are kicking each other!" or "Ms. Anderson, Chase* and Brian* are calling each other names!" ... for the next 15 minutes, mostly at the same time. Ahhhh!!! I eventually had the misbehaviors standing by me and those who had their pictures taken already were to wait on the bleachers.

(*Names were changed to protect the "innocent.")

Ew... just thinking about it makes me get all tense and angry again. I swore I wouldn't become one of those angry women I loathe so much, but my first 4 weeks on the job have probably caused me to age about 4 years. Long, dreadful story short, we got back to class, and the whole class put their heads down for 20 minutes. My assistant (ever so helpful!) came in and co-lectured me with the class for 2 minutes. Fun.

After their time was served, we began math QUIETLY . My assistant proved most helpful when she asked helpful questions and purposefully wrote problems incorrectly on the board. The kids were actively engaged, and it was beautiful! I've already learned so much from her; I hope she sticks around in my class for a while.

Anyway, then reading (how hard is it to follow along when someone reads?!), then lunch. We actually got there on time today, and it only took us THREE times of lining up. Small steps, y'all, small steps.

After lunch, I read to them (The Twits by Roald Dahl), then half the class left for beginning band. Ah, yes... the logistical nightmare that is... band. See, 4th and 5th graders who have never played an instrument before can be in beginning band. I have 14 such students in my class. 5th graders who have played instruments before can be in intermediate band. I have about 9 of these. The bands meet EVERY DAY for 45 minutes each (with the exception of intermediate on Wednesdays). This wouldn't be bad if I had one grade. However, since I have 14 students in one band and 9 in the other, there is an hour and a half period each day where I barely have half my class. Awesome. So I alternate study halls and science for each band group, but bleh. Band EVERY day? Don't get me wrong; band is wonderful, and I was in it from 4th grade through grad school, but every day is a bit excessive in elementary school. I no longer have time to teach whole-group science or social studies.

The end of the day: a short recess (since they wasted time earlier), then it was time to pack up and go home. Yay! Today, the last ones to leave were 3 of my best girls, so it was a nice send-off.

For a stressful day, I feel OK right now. It's strange. Maybe I'm getting used to it. :P For now, I will go home. Before dark!

Wowza!

So it was another... GOOD day!! Shock! I think it was partly due to the fact that the class has two specials on Tuesdays (music in the morning and art in the afternoon... mmmm. alliteration!). Also, I had my assistant/mentor here in the morning, which always helps immensely!

The morning was cake, and the afternoon (for once) went by quickly as well! I find that reading to them after recess is the best thing to get them calm and refocused. Also, my assistant/mentor and I have developed what we call "Independent Study" every day. This beautiful time of day is when the students work on homework and unfinished classwork at the end of the day- IN SILENCE. During this time, students with questions/concerns can address them to me quietly, and I make sure I get to everyone who needs help. The time doing this today was so well spent by the class that I gave them an extra 5 minutes of recess. :)

Also, the underlying drama never ends. My next-door teaching buddy (the 4th grade one) just met "Mr. Right" this weekend and spent the whole time with him. I got to hear about "Mr. Right" for about as long as I could stand it. Sure, lady, rub it in. I'm happy for her, though. Also, seems there are some problems with the tech department, a confidant told me. Always something, eh?

Anyway, I'm ready to go home, and it's before 5pm!! Everything for tomorrow is graded and planned, and I have the night to myself!! How excited am I? Not only do I not want to quit right now, but I want to come back tomorrow and have just as good a day tomorrow as I did today!

Oh, you bipolar profession, you. Now that I've probably cursed myself, I bet tomorrow'll be worse. However, we'll see.

OH, and ego boost: several teachers/staff with whom I spoke today said I'm improving. They also said I treat the students well (read: fair, firmly, and not yelling much at all), and that good things are happening. I hope so. We switched to 5th grade texts today, which will be a challenge, but I think the 4th graders can step up to it.

OK, that's it for now. Time for me to enjoy some time relaxing! :)

Angry Women...

So it's occurred to me over the past few days that schools are filled with angry women. Walking through the halls of the school at any given time of the day, one hears women (teachers, secretaries, principals, etc.) saying things like:

"How many times do I have to tell you..."
"Get in line and be quiet NOW."
"Stop talking!"
"Do you want to have detention?"
"You're acting like [a lower level] graders!"
"You know how to act by now!"

The list goes on, of course, but those are ones I hear almost daily. I almost feel bad for the kids, subject to all this estrogen and anger on a daily basis. The kids are angry too, though, which adds to a vicious cycle of adult-versus-child anger.

Today it happened, though: I was an angry woman. The morning was fine and fast, complete with an almost too-lively science discussion. (It was good, though; the kids were fascinated when they learned how fast their brains work!) The afternoon, as always, was where everything went downhill fast. Today I yelled. I yelled a LOT. I really don't like yelling; it is more of a power struggle than anything else, and no one feels better after being yelled at (well, no one I know of, anyway). Today, however, I felt pushed to my limit. I yelled, and I was harsh. I didn't like it, but the kids were out of control! We were late going out to recess (because of the talking), we were late to an all-school assembly (because of coming in late from recess), and I got progressively angrier. I usually pride myself on being patient and in control, but today I lost it. I gave out EIGHT lunch detentions for talking at the assembly alone!

The assembly, to me, was a nightmare. I had a gazillion kids in my class asking me, "Can I go to the bathroom?" or "Can I go blow my nose?" or "Can I go get a tissue?" or "Can I go get a drink?" or "Can I go pick up my little sister?" or "Can I move my seat?" To all of these requests, I replied with an angry, annoyed, "NO." Honestly, guys, you're in 4th and 5th grade... you've been going to assemblies for YEARS now. Bleh.

After the assembly, I had the kids come back into the room and sit at their desks with their heads down and in silence. I told them how disappointed I was in them, how awful the second half of the day had gone, how that will NOT happen again. I was stern. I was... mean.

And I can't help but wonder: Will I become one of those teachers I despise so much? Will I be the one who's always yelling, who's never happy, who is more like a drill sergeant than a teacher? Will I hate my job more than I love it? Will the kids fear me but not be learning? Yuck. It's REALLY a shame that you can't be too nice when teaching, or the kids eat you alive. I hate that about our society. The teachers I've seen in my life have been caring, nice individuals. It's amazing how a class of 27 kids can turn one from a sweet, nice person to an angry, burned-out, miserable old coot. Will I be that coot? I hope not.

My salvation lies in this: other angry women. I vented to the custodian today (who said my room "wasn't too bad"), and she and I bounced our venting off each other like crazy. I blame the problems I face on: bad parenting (video games and TV galore; to heck with school, as long as my kid leaves me alone!), society (where education is esteemed far too lowly and riches/fame are the be-all, end-all), and on the children not taking responsibility for their own actions, academically or not. It helps SO MUCH to talk to other people in the school who are experiencing the same things I am. I see other teachers frustrated, angry, and fed-up, yet they come back every day because they care so much. It's really a curse sometimes. I stopped in to talk to 2 of the other first-year teachers today, and it helped immensely. They both had really good days yesterday (like I did!!!), and really crappy days today (like I did). I couldn't help but feel comforted.

The general consensus seems that today was a chaotic, awful day. THREE different events occured with students that warranted police involvement. Today. In one day. At an elementary school. There are kids throwing desks, chairs, and rocks at other students and at teachers. There is a kid in the class next door who pees and poops his pants regularly. In fact, last week, he peed on the floor in the middle of class. There are kids here who bully and torment those smaller than they. Sometimes I really just want to throw my hands up in the air and work for corporate America. However, that would make me turn into my worst nightmare, so that's out. For now, I'm stuck... caring. It seems I care more about some of these kids than they do for themselves, and it sucks.

Anyway, I can't be at school any longer today, or I'll freak out. It's time to go home, make 18 phone calls (literally), and relax. I'll be back on Sunday and all day Monday, though, even though there's no school. Next week we switch the whole class to the 5th grade texts. Joy. (I had 5th graders in tears today because they couldn't do the math for our class. This was the first chapter in the 4th grade book, and they couldn't do it.) I have my work cut out for me. For now, though, I shall be off. I hope I'm not stressing people out just by reading this.

Lastly: they tell me it will all get better. I believe it will... when I'm at the end of my career.