2 months to go!!

(But who's counting?) Today was INSANE. Yesterday, we decided as a class to rearrange the desks. The kids chose people to sit with, so they're in groups essentially of their own choosing. The past two days have consequently been a noisy nightmare. I told them we're on a "probationary period" for the groups, and I am their "probation officer." (I can't help but use those terms when they fit so closely into my own insane life at the moment!)

I hate to complain, but I'm just so tired. I'm tired of the job never *really* being done. I'm already far behind in my grading and lesson planning, and we're only 2 weeks into this quarter! Fortunately, the students' last day of school is exactly 2 months from now. I think I'm more excited about the end of school than the kids are! :P

We had an assembly at the end of school today where all the classes attended. For having 350ish students and their teachers in the gym, we were all relatively comfortable. Anyway, it was an awards assembly for good behavior. We have these "TREAT" coupons we're to give to students who are extraordinarily helpful or considerate, and they go into a big jar. Each day, two students are chosen for a small prize. Today was a HUGE raffle for larger prizes (basketballs, CD players, etc.) for the whole school. 9 of my kids won! 9! Very cool. However, after the assembly, all the kids were riled up, so we went outside for recess for the last 30 minutes. Nothing major happened, but I realized I really, really *don't* like being responsible for 27 kids all day, every day. If something were to happen to any one of them at recess, I would be held legally (and ethically!) responsible. Sigh. I also really, really *don't* like being an authority figure with kids. They're just so explosive and immature. It's quite annoying.

After school, we had a little female bonding time in the office, where 5 of us happened to be gossiping about my (ex-)roommate, who was "let go" from his job at last night's board meeting. It was a good time, and I really do like the staff here. We're mostly on the same page, and it's SO nice to vent to people who completely understand what I'm going through, because they are, too!

Final gripe, then I'll stop... our educational system. After said bonding time, I went to the teachers' lounge to check my mail and finish up for the day. Our SLP (speech & language pathologist) was there. I was her Secret Santa in December, so I learned a lot about her then. I respect this woman a great deal, and we had a nice heart-to-heart today about how ridiculous education is right now, at least in our district. We agreed that the accountability for children is being placed more on teachers/school staff and much less on parents. In fact, the music teacher yesterday told me that CPS wouldn't take kids out of a drug-ridden home because the parents' drug use is a "lifestyle choice." What the hell?! The SLP and I agreed that we do it all: we're babysitters, parents, disciplinarians, nurses, counselors, bookkeepers, data enterers, crisis managers, social workers, and so forth. I don't know of any other profession that has SO much responsibility thrown on someone her first year.

I feel I spend so much more time on classroom management than I do on education. I feel like my kids are getting ripped off by having me as a teacher. During parent-teacher conferences, one mother was recounting her usual conversation with her daughter:

Mom: "So, honey, what'd you do in school today?"
Daugher: "Dividing by fractions, a lot of reading, some grammar, and a bit of science."
Mom: "That's all? How come you didn't do more?
Daugher: "Because the class will never stop talking, so the teacher is constantly getting on people to be quiet."

And really, that's the truth. The kids are missing SO much instructional time because they can't keep their fricking mouths shut! Ahem.

I hear it's worse at the high school, too; the SLP was telling me about an altercation she had had last week with a high school senior. Apparently, he was looking up porn (and she could hear the conversation from her office next door) and started making lewd comments about women. Eventually, she'd had enough and stormed into the classroom, saying, "That's it! That talk is entirely inappropriate for school. I've heard all I need to hear from you! Shut your mouth!" And I can't blame her, from the things this kid was saying. She turned to leave and heard the kid mutter, "You bitch." She marched back over to him and escorted him to the office. Upon her arrival, the secretary (who apparently adores this kid) said, "Oh, Johnny, you weren't swearing, were you? Well, just don't do it again." And that's it!! Glad he learned a valuable lesson there.

Anyway, I'm feeling OK about the day (though it was really loud and ridiculous), but I'm increasingly pessimistic about what is happening in education in our country. What's worse is my exact case: I, an educated, caring, motivated young woman, had wanted to make a real difference by entering the teaching profession. What I was met with upon my arrival (indifference, anger, drama, irresponsibility, lies, etc.) has caused me to reevaluate my career choice. I am nearly certain I will be out of the field within the next few years, and that fact worries me about our country. I've decided that I don't want to deal with all this right now. It's too much. And if I, who was so dedicated to enacting social change, am so jaded and bitter and cynical, who will teach our children?

My fickle friends

So now, even as I'm increasingly convinced that I won't be back next school year, I still struggle with this decision! Today was not a good day by any means, but there are so many other little "extras" that keep me going. For example, I like the kids being excited to see me every morning. I like the enormous amounts of hugs I receive every day. I like telling people, "I'm a teacher," and I love it when they say, "Wow. That must be so difficult." I like the staff at the school (though half of them are leaving), and I'm overall very impressed with the parents. The question now is: Will I do it all again, and if so, will I do it next year?

On Monday, I went to Phoenix to see about a job with the Sheriff's Office; I landed an interview the first week in May. I also applied online for a few jobs in my own county, and I have an interview next Tuesday already. The latter job is as a health educator for my county, which actually sounds like a pretty sweet deal. We'll see how it all pans out.

I'm also stressing a bit because we have two big things coming up: the playground fundraising project (which occurs in less than a month now!!) and our overnight Grand Canyon trip that I still apparently have to clear with the school board. Oops. After the GC trip, the year is essentially over, so that helps, but there's a LOT to do these next two months. Anyway, I have a friend who flew in from out of town, so I've gotta go have a social life! Peace.

All right, Tuesday...

... not too shabby. Considering the way I felt this morning (miserable emotionally!), I actually feel pretty good right now.

Turns out the kids were AWFUL for the sub yesterday!! (Yes, faithful readers, your teaching heroine took yesterday off as a mental health day, YET AGAIN.) The poor woman left a long and detailed note, saying, "I feel like I failed. Most of the time, I was shepherding them to be on task, be quiet, and get some work done." The majority of the note was along those lines. That poor, poor sub! I MUST make this up to her. All the kids who gave her grief were already required by the principal to write apology letters to the sub. Sigh.

Today, I heard a lot of the kids say, "Yay! [I'm] back! We're so glad!" And this was when they didn't think I was around. It really *is* always an ego boost coming back after a sub.

The day was smooth also thanks to two specials. I heart Tuesdays. I bribed the kids to be good in art: I told them that if they were quiet and calm in art, especially, during the beginning and end, that I would give them 10 minutes of recess afterwards AND 10 minutes of earned free time. It worked! This is the FIRST good art report I've had from the art teacher in 2 months. Wowzas.

In this crazy pendulum of a job, I feel like today was a lot better. See, it's days like today that make me think, "Maybe I *can* do this after all." Who knows? I haven't completely decided whether or not to teach again next year, though I'm pretty sure I won't be back. I dunno. ARG. And now I only have a few weeks to decide, especially if I want to move up with my 4th graders. It's kind of up in the air right now.

In other news, I went to Phoenix yesterday to check out the job market. I have NO idea how that'll pan out, nor where I will be (nor what I'll be doing) in 2 months. Quite an adventure. Also, my roommate (reference the previous entry) got arrested Friday! Ha! Right after I collected my rent from him, too! Boo yah. He won't be out of jail for at LEAST a month, so I'm stoked. The superintendant is going to tell him (today or tomorrow) that his contract is terminated. I love this place.

Really?

So I'm frankly surprised I'm still alive to write this entry. First, because of my pseudo-psycho roommate, and second, because of the rottenness of the day. UGH!! They were total monsters today. And I only "taught" 2 1/2 hours total! YUCK!! Further, I had to deal with a parent of one of my former students (he had wanted to subpoena me earlier in the year, for some unknown reason) AND a very vocal parent of another student not of mine (this dude's a PTO member). The chaos never ends. At lunch, one of the lunch ladies asked me, "Does it feel like you've got f***ing psycho magnet tattooed on your forehead?" I replied, tiredly, "Yes, yes it does."

Next: parent-teacher conferences, day 2. I only had 6 show up this afternoon, for a whopping total of 14 (of 26) families. MUCH better last time around. I suppose I'll be doing a few over the phone the next few days. The last conference, which should've been the best (sweet, stellar student and fellow PTO-officer mother) was actually a bit bummy. See, our math has changed for the time being; we're working from AIMS prep books (to get ready for the upcoming state testing next month), and the material moves at a FAST pace. Coupled with this is the fact that the 5th graders have been going to the 5th grade teacher for about half the year now. Her pace is also rivaling on the speed of sound, whereas I go at a slower, more thorough pace. Guess it just depends on what you're hoping to accomplish with the class. Anyway, this student of mine is a VERY hard worker, and often chooses to go to the library at recess to study and/or take notes. She got a C+ in math, completely based on assessments from this new curriculum. The mother was not happy, and I didn't feel the grade was completely indicative of the girl's progress, but I didn't argue much with the numbers. Plus I think it's good for the girl to learn how to deal with a C now (in the 5th) grade as opposed to getting her first one senior year of high school.

Anyway, I think I'm gonna go home and nap. I have been just DRAINED all week. This job never ends!!! I'm stressing, too, because I know before Monday I still need to do lesson plans, PTO minutes, parent phone calls, and grading. An office job sounds pretty fricking good about now. Oy. So I'm off to rest and enjoy my weekend. Though I feel like I *should* be back in the classroom on Saturday, I shall probably not come here. Muwahhahaha. Should make next week interesting. OK, I'm off for real. Peace!

Conferences: Take 2

And here we are... 5 months after my FIRST-ever parent-teacher conferences, we have them again!! I only had 8 (of 14 scheduled) parents show up, so that was a bit bummy. A lot of teachers opted to only hold conferences with their "struggling" students' parents; I thought that was a cop-out, so I decided to meet with whichever parents were interested enough in their children's lives! :P

The bitterness and jadedness has set in, I'm afraid. I used to look at the veteran teachers, thinking, "I hope I leave the field before I'm *that* cynical and jaded." Nope; I'm now one of them. Yes, I still care about my kids (all of them), but I've almost "given up" on some of them academically. I mean, really: if they won't put in ANY effort whatsoever, what else can I possibly do? At a point, it doesn't seem like it's up to me; it's up to them! (Or am I just being lazy?) Regardless, I don't find myself as concerned with their academic progress as I once was.

I hate that this job takes good-intentioned, idealistic youngins and promptly turns them into (forgive the repetition) jaded, bitter little things. I honestly thought I had the heart and mind for this; I don't know why I don't enjoy it. Every day when I get here, I think, "Oh, here's another day..." and when I go home (usually around 8pm), I'm too tired to think. I just veg out, go to sleep, rinse, and repeat. It's vicious, really. And I'm not only burned-out on the teaching; it's the administrative crap, the gossip, the constant anger that tears through a school, the meetings, the accountability, the standards, the requirements, the tutoring, the responsibility... you get the drift.

Oy, vey. So I have NO idea what I'll be doing in 3 months. I may teach summer school here for two 8-week sessions, but other than that, I don't know where I'll be or what career I'll be doing. We'll see, I suppose. And though I know I've grown (emotionally and professionally) by leaps & bounds this year, right now I'm too exhausted to care. It's almost harrowing to think of how I was when I started student teaching (just over a year ago)- bright-eyed, eager, idealistic- and to see how I am now- completely done with the whole thing. We'll see, though; next week might be drastically different.

If I never teach again, I have a million times the respect for teachers that I did when I started. What we have to deal with (a roomful of under-fed, over-stimulated, violent, emotional, jaded kids; drug-addict parents; administration; workshops; meetings; financial death; state standards & testing; CPS; custody battles, and so forth...) it's almost too much. I'd once told myself that I would NOT be one of the 50% of teachers who burn out in the first 5 years... Goodbye, yellow brick road.

I still have a few weeks to decide if I'm gonna sign my contract or not. I'm leaning towards no at the moment, but who knows? I have to do some soul-searching, and I have to do it fast.

For now, I'm off to plan out next week and then actually see some friends for once! Catch ya on the flipside.

All I really want...

... is to go home and sleep!! I just finished putting in the grades that are due tonight, I served at the PTO meeting for an hour and a half, I got through today (somehow), and now nothing sounds more appealing than just sleeping!!! However, I have to prepare for tomorrow (in the classroom), and then type up the PTO meeting minutes, and then lesson plan and then prepare a bit for the upcoming parent-teacher conferences. It never ends.

Also, a fun bit of trivia for you: I got a message today from my roommate's probation officer (?!?!?!!). I foolishly agreed to let a new staff member rent out a room in my apartment for 2 months while he found a more permanent place to stay. He's apparently on probation for 2 DUIs (aggressive ones, or something- not just the standard ones)... AND he drives his car AND the district car. What the ...?

However, there is light at the end of the tunnel: he found a new place to live, and will be out in less than 2 weeks. Also, tomorrow the kids get out an hour early, and then Thursday and Friday, they leave at 11:35am! (We have parent-teacher conferences those afternoons.) Should (SHOULD!!!) be a fast week from here on out, but we'll see how it goes.

Anyway, time to be productive (quickly), then go home!! Ciao.

Post-Spring-Break Stress Disorder!

So the students and I seem to be suffering from a bad case of PSBSD: Post-Spring-Break Stress Disorder. The morning has been a constant flow of excessive energy. Usually the kids are calm after a weekend (and even after winter break!), but today they're hyper and SO full of energy! This morning, I felt like a cattle herder, and feel like I did more "crowd control" than actual teaching. Yummy.

Anyway, I am going home in about 10 minutes!! :D I'm taking a (mental) health half day, which I so desperately need (even after spring break!). I haven't gotten much sleep lately, and I *must* be here the rest of the week, so this is the time to rest up.

Also, our contract renewals were distributed today. We have to turn them in, apparently, by 3:30pm on April 17th if we want to be certain of our employment here next year. That gives me less than a month to decide if I want to come back!! Granted, I don't think I'm going to sign it anyway, since I am positive that there will be a boatload of positions available, even as late as the summer. We'll see. I have some SERIOUS thinking & analyzing to do this next month. Only time will tell.

For now, I go home and rest (and finish up grades, which are due tomorrow). Peace to all of you!

A new approach

So I atttended this AWESOME seminar in Phoenix yesterday! It was about dealing with disruptive students, and I loved it. The man who presented it (Mr. Lucio Padilla) was energetic and... happy. An educator who likes his line of work... inconceivable! He gave us really good ideas and starting points, and I took meticulous notes during the entire presentation.

Having introduced the awesomeness that was yesterday's seminar, I shall now talk about a student of mine (let's call him "Tommy"). Tommy came in about halfway through the year, and was completely disruptive, rude, and unable to stay in his seat for more than 3 minutes at a time. The other kids ostrasize him because he is older (12), bigger, and quite obnoxious. Even the librarian has specifically requested that he not be sent to her... EVER. Anwyay, Tommy left right before winter break, and I felt a bit guilty when I sighed with relief. However, it turns out that he's now back, having been kicked out of another school and sent back to us. (He was kickd out of 2 other schools before we got him in October.) Anyway, I can easily see that Tommy is not a bad kid, not by any stretch. He's had an extremely trying childhood (including parents who are on drugs and have no desire to help Tommy do anything worthwhile), and a lot of people don't like him because of his admittedly abraisive nature. I don't mind him all that much, all things considered. I can tell he really just wants to fit in and be liked, and I can't possibly fault him for that.

Anway, at the seminar yesterday, our instructor had us choose one (or two or three) REALLY problematic children. Of course, Tommy immediately came to mind. (I have a few others, too, but Tommy was the first on my list.) Mr. Padilla suggested that we try to establish relationships- real relationships with caring and patience and praise- with our most troublesome students. He reminded us that these children most likely have really crappy home situations, and that we may be the ONLY positive adult role models in their lives. A little depressing, but absolutely true.

The point of the story? I tried some of Mr. Padilla's stuff today, and it's been a really incredible turnout. I told myself that, no matter what, I would NOT lose my temper or snap at a student AT ALL. I pride myself on accomplishing this so far (and there's only an hour and a half in the day left!!... my kids are in art at the moment). I've been trying to apply the ratio of 4 praises to every 1 behavioral reprimand, and it's working pretty well. It is extremely difficult to be positive sometimes, but the atmosphere in the classroom today was a lot happier than usual, and I can't help think it's because of the approach I took today.

The other 5th grade teacher asked me at lunch today, "So where do you stand for next year? Are you coming back or not?" I reeeeeeeeeeally don't know yet. No idea. I'm starting massage therapy school in a month, and that will be my second career at the very least. We'll see. We have a staff meeting today after school with the superintendant, so we may be presented our contracts for next year at that time. Scary!!

Anyway, those are the major updates for the time being. My little sis is in town, and will be coming to school tomorrow and Friday with me. Should be a trip! That's all for now. Ciao!

yay, march!!!

So evidently it's March. Let's celebrate by playing "teacher" in a classroom full of ROWDY, HYPER, CRAZY students. Yucky!! My kids were off the wall today. The WHOLE day. We hit the ground running this morning, and it went that way all day. I'm SOOOO incredibly relieved that today's over!!

In the morning, we practiced our readers' theatre scripts. Our class is performing 3 different plays (they're broken into groups), and we did a read-through today. It'll be interesting to see how their performances go tomorrow. However, I was pleasantly surprised by a few of my "lower" kids' reading!! Some of them really got into their characters (imagine a shy girl shouting out lines in a good Southern accent and a boy who "hates" reading passionately crying out his lines with hand motions). It was really cool at some points. However, the kids who weren't reading at any given time felt it unnecessary to pay attention or at least be quiet. I had to continually stop, redirecting my noisy little monsters.

In the afternoon, a mother came in to help out with a social studies lesson. I did what *should've* been a cool lesson on explorers. I did it during my student teaching (5th grade), and the kids loved it. I learned today that the material was a bit too intense for most of my 4th graders. Live and learn, right? The kids were just out of control, so I had to have them work absolutely silently for a while. Even the mother commented to me, "They're different kids here. This is a rough area." I couldn't help but nod enthusiastically in agreement. Oy. I'll grade their papers either tonight or tomorrow, and see how they did. We were *supposed* to play a game as a culminating activity, but the kids were just too loud. It sucks. And I can't help but think it's me failing at maintaining order in the classroom. So many of the other teachers blame the kids, the parents, and the area, but I tend to take it pretty personally. I feel like an effective teacher a.) presents good enough lessons to maintain a lot of control in the class, and b.) is able to keep the kids relatively quiet and on task for the majority of the day. I feel like I do neither, but that there should be a way to do it. Arg.

The day ended with NO recess because it took the kids forever to clean up the classroom and stand silently at their desks. Grrr... I also had to tutor after school. SO not worth the $20, but oh, well. I usually work with grades 4-6, as I have material for this age group. However, due to scheduling issues, I worked with the kids in grades 1-3 today. They were SO impatient!! Every few minutes, one of them would ask, "Is it time for us to go home yet??" :P We even played a game for the first 20 minutes, but one boy kept running around the classroom. Awesome. Finally, when the time was up, I walked them over to the other building to wait for the activity bus. The activity bus showed up 30 minutes later. Yuck!! I waited with another teacher, supervising 15ish kids who were wound up from the day. When the bus FINALLY came, I felt like taking a 3-day nap. However, there was still PTO-related work to do, and now I need to wrap up in the classroom before heading home.

In other news, my little sis will be here in 2 days!! :) She's coming to visit for a week for her spring break. I'm pysched!! I'm even more excited because we have TWO field trips next week (which the sis is unvoluntarily chaperoning!), AND I have a conference on Monday. All said and done, I'll only be in the classroom 2 and a half days next week. Pretty sweet. Then it's spring break!! Two of the other newbies and I are finalizing our Vegas plans, so it'll be awesome.

Tomorrow is the culmination of "Read Across America" week. To "celebrate," we're letting the kids dress up as characters from their favorite books. The other 5th grade teacher will be going as Mrs. Nelson from the series about the nasty substitute. It'll be awesome. I'll see if I can pull something together. Also, in the afternoon, we'll have a schoolwide parade on the playground with posters and books and costumes. The local newspaper may be coming to document the insanity. Finally, we'll be both performing and watching readers' theatre with other classes in the afternoon. I can already tell that tomorrow will be CRAZY. Wish us luck!

For now, time to wrap up and go home to clean! Peace!

P.S. Some food for thought... I was on The Hunger Site today, and there was a provocative quote on it... "Ours is a world of nuclear giants and ethical infants. We know more about war than we know about peace, more about killing than we do about living." - Omar N. Bradley

Amen, brother.