Angry Women...

So it's occurred to me over the past few days that schools are filled with angry women. Walking through the halls of the school at any given time of the day, one hears women (teachers, secretaries, principals, etc.) saying things like:

"How many times do I have to tell you..."
"Get in line and be quiet NOW."
"Stop talking!"
"Do you want to have detention?"
"You're acting like [a lower level] graders!"
"You know how to act by now!"

The list goes on, of course, but those are ones I hear almost daily. I almost feel bad for the kids, subject to all this estrogen and anger on a daily basis. The kids are angry too, though, which adds to a vicious cycle of adult-versus-child anger.

Today it happened, though: I was an angry woman. The morning was fine and fast, complete with an almost too-lively science discussion. (It was good, though; the kids were fascinated when they learned how fast their brains work!) The afternoon, as always, was where everything went downhill fast. Today I yelled. I yelled a LOT. I really don't like yelling; it is more of a power struggle than anything else, and no one feels better after being yelled at (well, no one I know of, anyway). Today, however, I felt pushed to my limit. I yelled, and I was harsh. I didn't like it, but the kids were out of control! We were late going out to recess (because of the talking), we were late to an all-school assembly (because of coming in late from recess), and I got progressively angrier. I usually pride myself on being patient and in control, but today I lost it. I gave out EIGHT lunch detentions for talking at the assembly alone!

The assembly, to me, was a nightmare. I had a gazillion kids in my class asking me, "Can I go to the bathroom?" or "Can I go blow my nose?" or "Can I go get a tissue?" or "Can I go get a drink?" or "Can I go pick up my little sister?" or "Can I move my seat?" To all of these requests, I replied with an angry, annoyed, "NO." Honestly, guys, you're in 4th and 5th grade... you've been going to assemblies for YEARS now. Bleh.

After the assembly, I had the kids come back into the room and sit at their desks with their heads down and in silence. I told them how disappointed I was in them, how awful the second half of the day had gone, how that will NOT happen again. I was stern. I was... mean.

And I can't help but wonder: Will I become one of those teachers I despise so much? Will I be the one who's always yelling, who's never happy, who is more like a drill sergeant than a teacher? Will I hate my job more than I love it? Will the kids fear me but not be learning? Yuck. It's REALLY a shame that you can't be too nice when teaching, or the kids eat you alive. I hate that about our society. The teachers I've seen in my life have been caring, nice individuals. It's amazing how a class of 27 kids can turn one from a sweet, nice person to an angry, burned-out, miserable old coot. Will I be that coot? I hope not.

My salvation lies in this: other angry women. I vented to the custodian today (who said my room "wasn't too bad"), and she and I bounced our venting off each other like crazy. I blame the problems I face on: bad parenting (video games and TV galore; to heck with school, as long as my kid leaves me alone!), society (where education is esteemed far too lowly and riches/fame are the be-all, end-all), and on the children not taking responsibility for their own actions, academically or not. It helps SO MUCH to talk to other people in the school who are experiencing the same things I am. I see other teachers frustrated, angry, and fed-up, yet they come back every day because they care so much. It's really a curse sometimes. I stopped in to talk to 2 of the other first-year teachers today, and it helped immensely. They both had really good days yesterday (like I did!!!), and really crappy days today (like I did). I couldn't help but feel comforted.

The general consensus seems that today was a chaotic, awful day. THREE different events occured with students that warranted police involvement. Today. In one day. At an elementary school. There are kids throwing desks, chairs, and rocks at other students and at teachers. There is a kid in the class next door who pees and poops his pants regularly. In fact, last week, he peed on the floor in the middle of class. There are kids here who bully and torment those smaller than they. Sometimes I really just want to throw my hands up in the air and work for corporate America. However, that would make me turn into my worst nightmare, so that's out. For now, I'm stuck... caring. It seems I care more about some of these kids than they do for themselves, and it sucks.

Anyway, I can't be at school any longer today, or I'll freak out. It's time to go home, make 18 phone calls (literally), and relax. I'll be back on Sunday and all day Monday, though, even though there's no school. Next week we switch the whole class to the 5th grade texts. Joy. (I had 5th graders in tears today because they couldn't do the math for our class. This was the first chapter in the 4th grade book, and they couldn't do it.) I have my work cut out for me. For now, though, I shall be off. I hope I'm not stressing people out just by reading this.

Lastly: they tell me it will all get better. I believe it will... when I'm at the end of my career.