Le sigh.

Today, a "short" day by definition (the kids got out an hour early), felt EXTREMELY long. My 4th graders got tested this morning for the aforementioned NAEP. Apparently, they were polite and nice with the test proctors, and the principal came in to specifically praise the class. Cool. She had also popped in earlier to informally observe the class/me for about 10 minutes. Fortunately, we were in the middle of a math lesson, and I've found that I really enjoy teaching math. It's just nice to see that the kids are learning something instantly. It's harder to tell with all the other subjects.

Anyway, the morning was ok overall. Not spectacular, but not awful. I do feel my patience wearing thin at times, though... I actually surprised myself (unpleasantly) today. I had said several times, "Real quick, class, eyes on me, voices quiet." (I usually say stuff like this before beginning a new lesson or switching subjects.) About half the class was following directions, so I raised my voice and repeated the directions. Finally, after another TWO MINUTES of about 8 students not listening, I got fed up. I yelled, "Show me you all can follow fricking directions!!!" As soon as it came out of my mouth, I regretted it. The stunned silence of the kids reinforced that this was, in fact, a bad point I'd let myself approach.

I try to be nice! I touch this bell in my room and raise my hand to quiet the class, I ask politely, I redirect negative responses and behaviors, I repeat myself numerous times... and I can't help but think it boils down to disrespect. I think I've really, truly earned about 2/3 of the class's respect. Even one of my "troublemakers" now helps me enforce rules and I think I've won him over. However, I still have that pesky 1/3 of the class who fight me on EVERYTHING and often refuse to follow directions or do their work. Ugh!!! They know there are consequences, they know that I get angry, they know that they're getting in trouble... and they don't care. It's SOOO frustrating.

Anyway, I digress. Back to the point at hand: disrespect. I was watching season two of The Office last night. For those of you who haven't seen/heard about it, it is a "mockumentary" about an office of workers with a ridiculously "off" boss. The boss, despite his good intentions, is completely disrespected by his employees because he is annoying and inappropriate all the time. I wonder if, sometimes, my kids are nice to me just to my face, but really don't respect me behind my back. I dunno.

I also got to thinking about my high school band director, Mr. Sanford. I have a great deal of respect for that man, one, because he is a high school band director, and two, because his bands do extremely well in competitions and in performing. However, during our band practices all through high school, I remember how out of control we high schoolers were. Mr. Sanford, a wonderful person at heart, would almost ALWAYS yell and raise his voice every day, due to the impossible task of attempting to congregate 150 high school students into a decent band. And I got to thinking... *I* have been yelling and raising my voice a lot lately, though I really don't like to. I can't tell if this makes me (and Mr. Sanford) somewhat ineffective and/or inefficient, since we don't seem to have good control over our students. Sigh. What are the alternatives? As I see it right now, it's either yell/raise my voice or have the kids police each other (which I'd tried, but it really frustrates all of us even more). I'm happy to take suggestions.

Hmmm... Anyway, we had a SUCKY after-school meeting today. It was dull and monotonous and an immense waste of an hour. :( Then a thought chilled me: Is that *my* class??! Are my kids acting out because they're bored and perceive their time in my class an immense waste of time? This put me in a bit of a funk.

SO: How to make the class enjoyable AND productive AND respectful???? I want to do it all perfectly, and I don't know how, and everyone has different philosophies, and I'm just kinda having a teacher-crisis at the moment.

To make matters worse, we have 2 field trips the next 2 days. Tomorrow, I voyage with the 5th graders to a heart museum. Hopefully it'll be cool; I have no idea what we'll be doing, since I piggy-backed on the other 5th grade teacher's field trip. Must organize trip before trip occurs... Bleh. AND my 4th grade field trip on Friday, since I left it to the other 4th grade teacher to orchestrate, has fallen apart. It's a HUGE mess, and it's in 2 days, and I have to answer to all these parents now...

Forgive me. I'm just freaking out a little bit, and I want to go home and forget it and relax, but I can't because the trips are the next 2 days, AND I have to do sub plans for them. EPROIU@#IO@U$PO@#U$OIPIOUOIEFU... Ok. I'll be calmer next time I write, hopefully. Thank you for reading. Ciao!