The Panic Sets In...

So I'm still at school right now... and quite surprised that the stupid website blocker thingee hasn't blocked this site!

Anyway, I finished my first looong day of inservices. The morning was pretty fun (though everyone else thought it was boring)- just paperwork and introductions, but I enjoyed it. No stress, and I sat at a table with 2 other NAU graduates starting their first year of teaching also. The district fed us breakfast and lunch, which were wonderful. The superintendent is kinda "off" (a mild version of the boss on the TV series "The Office"), but it seems like he really wants to help the schools here out.

After lunch, however, I started becoming extremely discouraged. We were told (by the superintendent, no less!) that we are indeed to "teach to the test." Bleh. That, coupled with the fact that I'll need to teach to TWO tests (4th and 5th grade), I was not happy. We then soon learned that the school day for teachers is longer than I had previously heard. I thought our day was from 7:45am to 3:45pm; we found out, however, that we are to be here from 7:30am to 4:00pm. An extra half hour doesn't sound like a great deal, but I was not happy. Also, on Tuesdays, new staff need to be here at 7am to start a professional development series. Bleh. I felt sick after that for a while. This all really isn't a big deal, but I started feeling discouraged.

Later, the principal told us that we are to use textbook series for subjects and little else. She said if we want to supplement materials (e.g., other books, guides, outside resources, etc.), we have to run them each by her. My heart sunk. Seems like everything is pretty rigid as far as curriculum goes. She told us also that she expects 3rd grade and up to be doing research papers and to be learning chess. Go figure. (Don't get me wrong; these are two great skills to have, but it just sounded kinda arbitrary at this level.)

We were also told that we may NOT have Halloween or Valentine's Day parties, as these are not recognized holidays. However, we can have Christmas (yes, she said "Christmas" and not "holiday") and Easter (not "spring") parties... Where am I? I love Halloween, so I'm definitely gonna do scary stories and all that good stuff. Oh, and I won't be having Christmas or Easter parties; they will be holiday and multiculturally oriented, thankyouverymuch.

I've been working with the 4th grade teacher, who is also new this year (and new to teaching). I guess what happened (from my best guess) is that the 5th grade teacher kept her position from last year, and since the 4th grade teacher and I are both new, I got chosen to do the combo class. Makes sense, but it sucks. Anyway, I don't have all the books I need yet (just 5th grade so far), so I'm starting to panic. I'm also worried about how I'm going to teach content (which the principal and superintendent focused on) for TWO grades. Bleh.

OK, that's kinda boring for you, I'm sure. I did make the fatal mistake today of gossiping. Well, I was more on the listening end, but I still feel bad. Two teachers and an office lady went through my class list with me, pointing out "troublemakers," "high students," and other things that I really shouldn't have found out about before meeting the class. Now I expect this one kid (we'll call him "Timothy") to be a problem already. In fact, after lunch, the superintendent asked to look at my class roster. I handed it to him, and he groaned, saying, "Oh, they gave you Timothy AND this other one? It's gonna be an interesting year." Thanks, Dr. D., I needed that. Now the word around the school is that I have Timothy, so everyone's offering support and words of encouragement. Wish me luck.

After our meeting today, I was completely overwhelmed. I had to: choose a health care plan, name a beneficiary for my life insurance, get on REAL payroll, be told that I have to teach to the test(s), AND panic about my curriculum and students. Oh, and they added 2 more to my class today, and I'll probably have 2 MORE tomorrow. From 23 to 27 in 2 days... joy.

Anyway, after we were "released" to go work on our classrooms, I sat down at the computer (from where I write this wonderful little thing) and I cried. I cried for a solid few minutes, just panicking. Can I do it? Should I just quit now? Why do I have the combo class, AND why is it getting even bigger? How can I manage this classroom? I'm not prepared! I need to be doing more, yet I'm doing a lot every day as it is. What other jobs can I do? Can I work somewhere else? Maybe I'll be a nurse... Yeah, that's easier... etc.

I cried/panicked until my principal came to my classroom. I pulled myself together in under a second, and I don't think she noticed my fragile condition.

Anwyay, I promised myself I'd stay here 'til 5, since we have 4 hours in our classrooms tomorrow morning. I can get a lot done then. For now, I go home, eat, and pore over the set of 5th grade teacher's editions of the texts for each subject. Maybe plan lessons, too.

I hope this gets better, because right now, I want out.